What do you need most from your partner?
Many people have this notion that our partners should be able to read our minds.
Unfortunately, that only works in romance novels and TV shows, and only because the writers put it in the script.
In real life, you have to communicate communicate communicate. Your partner can only love you as well as you let them, and you can improve letting them love you by telling them what it is that you need from them.
If your partner is afraid to show how you can help them, allow them to help you first. Then show appreciation to normalize giving and receiving support.
If you are afraid to voice your needs, because you think you might be met with ridicule (or they won’t get it, or they won’t love you anymore), I want to encourage you to explore why you feel that way.
For some of us, communicating our needs is uncomfortable, because we were raised not to have any. We may have internalized beliefs like “having needs makes us difficult”, that “we have to get it right or we won’t be loved”. So we try to fit in, mold ourselves around our partners, only to eventually feel resentful that they don’t intuit our distress and come to our rescue.
Some of us don’t share what we need, because we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable. When we’re holding back (for fear of being rejected, not wanting to be a burden, thinking we have to have it together at all times…), we have to realize that we are not showing up as our whole self. In the extreme case, this means our partner is in a relationship with a figment of their imagination; a fragment of us. Sharing just our happy bits may make us feel safe and in control, but it’s a fragile, and a very lonely place to be.
Keeping up appearances is something that we all do in dating, because we want to get to the second date, and then the third, and we don’t want to turn people off. The trouble is, you probably won’t be able to keep up the “perfect” persona forever. For a long-term relationship, it’s better to be open with yourself and your partner, and start introducing what you need as soon as you can.
If all goes well, you will grow old together. Your bodies grow old together, and your minds may be getting forgetful together, so eventually you will have to be able to rely on your partner anyway, just like you’d want them to rely on you.
Here’s to letting yourself be loved fully.
Resources
If you’re not quite sure where or how to start the conversation, let me recommend three free resources:
One you’ve probably heard of is called The 5 Love Languages. It’s a quick quiz to figure out how you like to show love, which is probably how you like to be shown that you’re loved as well. Trick is, your partner’s preferences may be different.
The second is an app called the Gottman Card Decks. 14 different decks offer questions and conversations starters to discuss needs, feelings, empathy, and more. (John and Julie Gottman are famously able to predict whether a couple is going to stay together or not based on his research in the “Love Lab”.)
And finally, if you’re finding yourself in the pattern of holding back, and expecting your partner to intuit your needs and come to your rescue, consider visiting https://coda.org/ for learning about and getting tools to address co-dependency.
